I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Randomize
