the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Randomize
