Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
