When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
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