My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
I'll show rhose boucners: You don't let me in, I poop on your pool.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
