you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize