i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
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