On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
um. i met him on myspace...we text now, he lives down the street
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Randomize
