My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
