I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
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