It's like a parade of train wrecks.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
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