i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
