I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
