I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
Randomize
