so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Randomize
