the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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