Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
