Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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