last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Holy sore nipples Batman
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