Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
