I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
Randomize
