i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Picture Ja Rule and 50 Cent having a sexy full grown love child son...He's on my bus right now, wearing an outside jacket with no shirt underneath. My fashion sense and libido are fighting it out.I'll keep you posted on who wins.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
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