Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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