i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
