There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
