we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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