i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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