you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
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