Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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