And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
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