I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
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