Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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