hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Randomize
