Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
