Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
