JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
what day is it and did you see me today?
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
