i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
