a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Randomize