I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Randomize
