i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
