did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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