He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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