Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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