I wish I could punch you in the face.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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