At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
you know its a sad night when you can actually see and hear sitcoms on at the bar
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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