so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
