You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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