A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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