I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
