My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
