I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
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