I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
