hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
