I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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