quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I want her autograph on my taint
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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