Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
