Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
