Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
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