just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
